6 Myths About Gender Differences in Dating and Relationships What research tells us about how gender really affects your love life

When it comes to relationships between men and women, almost everyone has an opinion. But what does research tell us about how men and women really behave in romantic relationships? Let’s examine six common myths about gender differences in dating and relationships.

Myth #1: Women are more romantic than men

With all the romance novels and romantic comedies targeted at female audiences, it may be hard to believe, but as I detailed in an earlier post men actually have a more romantic outlook on love than women do.  A much-used measure of romanticism, the Romantic Beliefs Scale, asks people to rate the extent to which they agree with statements like “There will only be one real love for me” and “If I love someone, I know I can make the relationship work, despite any obstacles”. It turns out that men typically outscore women on this measure¹. Men are also more likely than women to believe in the romantic notion of “love at first sight”^2,3.

Myth #2: Men and women have fundamentally different ways of handling conflict

Overall, most research suggests that men and women do not differ in their responses to relationship conflict⁴. This particular myth is, however, built on a kernel of truth. Some couples engage in a destructive “demand/withdraw” pattern of conflict, where one person, the demander, presses an issue and insists on discussing it, while the other withdraws and avoids the discussion. The more the demander pushes the issue, the more the withdrawer retreats, only causing the demander to become more intent on discussing the issue, creating a vicious cycle where both partners are frustrated⁵. When this pattern occurs, it is much more likely that the woman is the demander⁶.

However, this well-documented gender difference may have more to do with power dynamics than it does with the preferred conflict strategies of men and women. In some studies, couples are asked to discuss an issue in their relationship. Sometimes, they are asked to discuss something the woman wants to change, and other times they are asked to do the reverse. Some researchers have discovered that the main determinant of who demands and who withdraws isn’t gender, it is whoever wants the change. When the issue under discussion is a change the woman wants, the woman is likely to fall into the demander role and the man into the withdrawer role. But when the issue is one that the man wants to change, the roles reverse⁷ or we see the pattern only when the issue is something the woman wants to change⁸.  So, why the consistent gender difference in prior research? The person who wants change is typically the person who has less power in the relationship. The higher status person is motivated to simply maintain the status quo and resist change. In our society and in most relationships, men have more power than women, so women often find themselves pressing for changes the man doesn’t want to make, and thus find themselves in the demander role. Thus, differential power between men and women makes this interaction pattern especially likely to occur. And even when power is not uneven, women are choosing to press issues because they want changes, not because they handle conflict differently than men.

Myth #3: A mate’s physical attractiveness is way more important to men than it is to women

This myth is also based on a kernel of truth. Many studies have shown that when men and women are asked which characteristics they prefer in a mate, men rate physical appearance as more important than women do⁹. However, closer examination of this data reveals that both men and women think looks are important, with men rating it somewhat higher than women.  In one seminal study, men and women ranked a series of characteristics for potential mates¹⁰. Men ranked looks, on average, as the fourth most important trait, and women ranked it about sixth. So, both genders ranked it highly, but not at the top, with men placing it somewhat higher than women.

And that data only speaks to what men and women claim they are looking for. What does research say about the people that men and women actually choose to date? In a classic study on interpersonal attraction, college students were randomly matched with blind dates, and for both men and women, the main characteristic that predicted whether or not someone was interested in a second date was the physical attractiveness of their date¹¹.  In a more recent study, researchers examined the preferences of college students participating in a speed-dating event. Prior to their speed-dates, the students rated how important different characteristics would be in making their selections at the event, and the expected gender differences emerged, with women rating physical attractiveness as less important than men. But when the researchers examined who the participants actually chose during the speed-dating event, this gender difference disappeared. Both men and women preferred physically attractive daters, and there was no gender difference in how much looks impacted their choices¹².

So, both men and women claim to value attractiveness, and men do value it significantly more than women, but not a lot more. And examination of actual dating choices suggests that both genders are equally enamored by good looks. 

Myth #4: Men and women have fundamentally different personalities and different orientations toward relationships

This myth is often perpetuated by the popular media. In John Gray’s best-selling relationship advice book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, he argues that men and women are so different they might as well come from difference planets. The truth is sex differences in most areas are relatively small. There is a lot more variation between individual people than there is between the sexes¹³. Just because a gender difference is “statically significant” doesn’t mean it’s large, simply that there is a reliable difference, on average. For example, men are taller than women on average, but there is also plenty of overlap in men’s and women’s heights with many women taller than many men. And most gender differences in personality are a lot smaller than the gender difference in height. There is a great deal of similarity in what men and women want from relationships. For example, both men and women rate kindness, having an exciting personality, and intelligence as the three most important characteristics in a partner¹⁰. Focusing only on gender differences when dealing with our partners tends to oversimplify things and exaggerate the truth, leading us to less, not more, understanding of one another¹⁴.

Myth #5: Physical abuse in relationships is almost always committed by men

When people think of a domestic violence victim, they immediately imagine a woman. It is true that the injuries suffered by female domestic violence victims tend to be more serious than those suffered by male victims and the abuses inflicted by men are likely to be more frequent and severe^15,16,17.

Nonetheless, males are also frequently victims of domestic violence. In a recent survey of British adults, it was found that about 40% of domestic violence victims were male¹⁸. In one national survey in the US, it was found that 12.1% women and 11.3% of men reported that they had committed a violent act against their spouse in the past year¹⁹. Other studies have found that women are just as likely as men to initiate violent encounters with their spouses²⁰. The stereotype that men can’t be victims of domestic violence often discourages men from reporting abuse or seeking help due to fears of being stigmatized²¹. But men are quite likely to be victims of physical abuse, even if it is less severe.

Myth #6: Women aren’t interested in casual sex

Much early research on gender differences in mating actually supports this myth^22,23. While, overall, men are more interested in and more willing to accept offers for casual sexual encounters, women’s interest in casual sex has been underestimated. This has occurred for two reasons:

1) It is socially unacceptable for women to admit to an interest in casual sex. Therefore, in surveys that ask men and women how many sexual partners they’ve had, many researchers have speculated that men tend to exaggerate and women tend to underestimate the number of partners they’ve had, making it falsely appear that men have more sexual partners than women do²⁴. In one study, researchers hooked some participants to a phony lie detector, and asked them about their sexual history²⁵. Participants not hooked up to the lie detector showed the typical socially desirable responses, with men reporting more partners than women. But for those who thought their deception might be detected, women actually reported slightly more partners than men.

2) For women to be interested in casual sex, the circumstances need to be right, so it’s not that women are uninterested in casual sex, but rather that they are pickier than men about whom they choose for one night trysts. Conley examined how specific situational features can affect women’s willingness to engage in casual sex²⁶. When she asked subjects to consider hypothetical situations like a one-time sexual offer from a celebrity or a close friend who was known to be good in bed, women were just as likely as men to indicate a willingness to take these highly attractive partners up on their offers. She also asked people about their actual past experiences receiving offers for casual sex. She found that, consistent with past research, women were more likely than men to report having rejected those offers, but the best predictor of whether or not women accepted such an offer was the perceived sexual prowess of the man. Just as in the hypothetical scenarios, women demonstrated a willingness to engage in a casual encounter with someone who was worth it.  

In addition, the most famous research establishing women’s lack of interest in casual sex relied on a situation where they were propositioned by a stranger for a one-night stand. Research has shown that one-night stands are actually the least common type of casual sex. These encounters are most likely to take place in the context of casual dating relationships, friendships, or hook-ups with exes^27,28.

It’s destructive to base your decisions about your relationships on gender stereotypes. Some are flat out wrong, but even if there is a kernel of truth to them they tend to exaggerate that truth, and are not constructive in dealing with the unique individuals that we have relationships with.

References

¹ Sprecher, S., & Metts, S. (1989). Development of the 'Romantic Beliefs Scale' and examination of the effects of gender and gender-role orientation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 6(4), 387-411. doi:10.1177/0265407589064001

² Hatfield, E., & Sprecher, S. (1986). Measuring passionate love in intimate relationships. Journal of Adolescence, 9(4), 383-410. doi:10.1016/S0140-1971(86)80043-4

³ Northrup, C., Schwartz, P., & Witte, J. (2013). The normal bar: The surprising secrets of happy couples and what they reveal about creating a new normal in your relationship. New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.

⁴ Gayle, B. M., Preiss, R. M., & Allen, M. (2002). A meta-analytic interpretation of intimate and non-intimate interpersonal conflict. In M. Allen, R. W. Preiss, B. M. Gayle, & N. A. Burrell (Eds.), Interpersonal communication research: advances through meta-analysis (pp. 345-368). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

⁵ Caughlin, J. P., & Huston, T. L. (2002). A contextual analysis of the association between demand/withdraw and marital satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 9, 95-119. doi: 10.1111/1475-6811.00007

⁶ Christensen, A., & Heavy, C. (1993). Gender differences in marital conflict: The demand/withdraw interaction pattern. In S. Oskamp & M. Costanzo (Eds.), Gender issues in contemporary society (pp. 113-141). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

⁷ Klinetob, N. A., & Smith, D. A. (1996). Demand-withdraw communication in marital interaction: Tetss of interpersonal contingency and gender role hypotheses.  Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58, 945-957.

⁸ Christensen, A. & Heavy, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 73-81. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.59.1.73

⁹ Feingold, A. (1990). Gender differences in effects of physical attractiveness on romantic attraction: A comparison across five research paradigms. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 981-993. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.59.5.981

¹⁰ Buss, D. M., & Barnes, M. (1986). Preferences in human mate selection. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 559-570. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.50.3.559

¹¹ Walster, E., Aronson, V., Abrahams, D., & Rottman, L. (1966). Importance of physical attractiveness in dating behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 4(5), 508-516.

¹² Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner?. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245-264. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.94.2.245

¹³ Schwartz, P. & Rutter, V. (1998). The gender of sexuality. Thousand Oaks, CA: Pine Forge Press.

¹⁴ Miller, R. (2012). Intimate relationships (6^th ed). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

¹⁵ Archer, J. (2002). Sex differences in physically aggressive acts between heterosexual partners: A meta-analytic review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 7, 313-351. doi: 10.1016/S1359-1789(01)00061-1 

¹⁶ Houry, D., Rhodes, K. V., Kemball, R. S., Click, L., Cerulli, C., McNutt, L., & Kaslow, N. J. (2008). Differences in female and male victims and perpetrators of partner violence with respect to WEB scores. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 23(8), 1041-1055. doi:10.1177/0886260507313969

¹⁷ Johnson, M. P., & Leone, J. M. (2005). The differential effects of intimate terrorism and situational couple violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Journal of Family Issues, 26, 322-349. doi: 0.1177/0192513X04270345

¹⁸ Parity-UK (2010). Domestic violence: The male perspective. http://www.parity-uk.org/RSMDVConfPresentation-version3A.pdf

¹⁹ Hampton, R. L., Gelles, R. J., & Harrop, J. W. (1989). Is violence in black families increasing? A comparison of 1975 and 1985 national survey rates. Journal of Marriage and Family, 51, 969-980.

²⁰ Strauss, M. A. (1999). The controversy over domestic violence by women: A methodological, theoretical, and sociology of science analysis. In. X. B. Arriaga & S. Oskamp (Eds.), Violence in intimate relationships (pp. 17-44). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

²¹ Tsui, V., Cheung, M., & Leung, P. (2010). Help-seeking among male victims of partner abuse: men's hard times. Journal of Community Psychology, 38, 769-780. doi: 10.1002/jcop.20394

²² Clark, R. D., & Hatfield, E. (1989). Gender differences in receptivity to sexual offers. Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 2(1), 39-55. doi:10.1300/J056v02n01_04

²³ Laumann, E. O., Gagnon, J. H., Michael, R. T., Michaels, S. (1994). The social organization of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

²⁴ Willetts, M. C., Sprecher, S., & Beck, F. D. (2004). Overview of sexual practices and attitudes within relational contexts. In J. H. Harvey, A. Wenzel, S. Sprecher (Eds.), The handbook of sexuality in close relationships (pp. 57-85). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

²⁵ Alexander, M. G., & Fisher, T. D. (2003). Truth and consequences: Using the bogus pipeline to examine sex differences in self-reported sexuality. The Journal of Sex Research, 40, 27-35. doi: 10.1080/00224490309552164

²⁶ Conley, T. D. (2011). Perceived propose personality characteristics and gender differences in acceptance of casual sex offers. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100, 309-329. doi:10.1037/a0022152

²⁷ Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Schick, V., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2010). An event-level analysis of the sexual characteristics and composition among adults ages 18 to 59: Results from a national probability sample in the United States. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7 Suppl 5, 346-361. doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02020.x.

²⁸ Walsh, J. L., Fielder, R. L., Carey, K. B., & Carey, M. P. (2014). Do alcohol and marijuana use decrease the probability of condom use for college women? Journal of Sex Research, 51, 145-158. doi:10.1080/00224499.2013.821442