We have the ability to think about who we are. We're not talking about the reflection that emerges of cause and effect. We consider the literal sense of the word feminine noun indicating that action returns to the subject that creates it.
The act of introspection is not spontaneous. There is even a case to avoid both pain that accompanies it is unpleasant. Pain is the biological reaction that warns us that something is going to endanger the stability of our structure. Back on oneself is actually questioning its own structure. And yet overcome the initial pain is the only chance we have to (1) overcome our suffering (2) see through our habits and thus to snatch, if we want a piece of freedom to our determinations.
How to learn?
Some people manage to learn directly while looking being. They have developed their domestic oil, "they made seers" (Rimbaud). Others need the look of the next or simply they need to observe, to watch him be and act. Those among them, led the gaze beyond their own affect realize that what shines the most is that in the other, irritated.
In this chapter, this is a beginning of awareness that we invite you. If you do not mind, answer the short questionnaire below. It will help you locate your "Inland Empire" in relation to the four categories of people that we will deliver in the future.
Questionnaire
The questionnaire accessible by clicking on the link below, you can determine your "category of being." It will open in another browser window (link).
Now discover the characteristics of the categories of beings.
The categories of beings
These four categories are a personal synthesis based on several authors most prominently are Lelord François and Christophe André. Of course, these categories are not mutually exclusive, they do not define us forever but depend on the circumstances.
None of us work the same way all his life, in all circumstances and whatever the mood of the moment. No one is immune to fluctuations although for some these variations are larger and / or more durable. Yet we have a dominant trend for each class. The purpose of the short questionnaire is to identify this dominant.
To do this, it relies on the relationship we have with our biological being (to feeling and action), social (to others) and reflected (self). Allowing for thinking and feeling, it helps to identify the relative importance given our "last two" brains. Category 1: Universal
Being thought: the relationship to self
These are people who love. They are aware of themselves and reflected the values that drive them. They have therefore been able to distance themselves from social values that were instilled in them. These people often keep a moment to take a distance in the world and come back to them and their values.
the aims: They are perhaps the only people who do not seek power or glory but prefers the intimate happiness and transcendence.
Social being: the relationship to other
the aims
- With respect to others: these are people who seek to enrich perspectives of others. To do this they encourage them to express themselves, to express their views. They show a rational listening and a unique ability to think outside of themselves to put themselves in the place of another, enter its view. They can cause the discussion with a trivial subject, a ritual gesture.
The preferred mode of discussion is that of privacy; the special relationship that through which manifest the feelings of tenderness and affection. The purpose of the relationship is not transvestite. It is meant as a time for sharing that brings great satisfaction to the people who live as they then feel recognized for what they really are.
- Overlooked them same: these people practice some self promotion, little justification from critical or minor failures but say they are.
Overall impression: It's nice people, comfortable with everyone; appreciated for their sympathy, their spontaneity and zest for life.
in case of "glitch" These people accept the conflict without putting their emotional. They do not easily disconcerted face adversity and keep consistency in the words and lines that the context is favorable or unfavorable.
Being biological: the relationship with feelings and action
report to action
These people are looking for action, which makes them more than they. In this report the act, they systematically put into practice the recommendation of the Stoic philosopher Seneca: "Let the difference between what depends on us and what does not depend on us." In what we do depends on our best; for the rest, do not pay attention.
For those people that happens depends on them. They even tend to push this attitude further than the facts alone give it to see. It is because they know that this is only if officials say they can change things. To implement successful change and they mobilize their energy in a concrete goal, defined and measurable said. Their choices are based on an objective analysis of the situation taking into account a sufficient number of parameters. Furthermore, attitudes are still references to the values that drive them. After reflection, they make the decisions.
Yet they do not forget the second part of the saying and accept as a result of not controlling everything. In addition, they take the risks inherent in any business and welcome failure as a way to learn.
report feelings
These people have learned to take the distance from the felt. Even if they get to live their anger and pain, it's never for long.
In summary, the "universal" are solid and honest people. The first inherent risk that integrity is to give so much importance to the values that support it that people forget those of others. Moreover, the integrity of the values says nothing of their moral elevation. What makes these people are or are not universal beings is the synthesis between they realize that they belong to the community of sentient beings and see the love tolerance of differences. Without these two aspirations, they are just stubborn.
Category 2: toxic
Being thought: the relationship to self
We called these toxic people but we could call counterfeiters because they are wrong themselves. They do not like each other and do everything to make people believe the opposite. They hide their real being, seek to persuade. Therefore the true introspection of them is nonexistent. Unless the need arrives.
Social being: the relationship to other
the aims
With respect to others, the goal of these people is very simple: all possess objects like humans. The report other is reduced to this. They seek to impose, to impose their value system, to show they are there and they are the best. Besides everything in their world revolves around relationships competitiveness ranking and power. Beings are strong or weak, good or bad, higher or lower, dominant or dominated. With this in mind the other lived at best neutral, at worst a potential aggressor or a lost sheep. In this quest for power and the view of others derive all of the roles taken by these people. And first, the role of being extraordinary.
The seducer démago
Toxic seek above all to reach agreement, to please by being in a favorable light. To do this, they practice self promotion. Do feel that we know everything about everything, that everything can be about everything that we have experienced extraordinary things, "in eyeful"; nothing is too much to be able to establish the importance of person. In a meeting, they monopolize the speaking time, draw attention to themselves, talk a lot of them. Of course the difference between what is said and the reality is yawning. Counterfeiters create a gap between the self pronounced recovery or from parents and the skills they actually have.
Unfortunately dint of repeating salads, they eventually persuaded. They quickly convinced to be right, to be the strongest. This tendency to compulsive lying, telling biggest nonsense and they believe it, the more locked in their initial behavior.
This behavior was, remember, to win. Having valued, the second means of achieving this is to belittle others.
persecutor
The persecutor seeks to show he is the strongest by his interlocutor feel their inferiority and demerit. Devaluation strategies employed are subtle but often revolve around criticism of everything that comes from the other and looking for flaws. They constantly look for defects in those around them, their mistakes, their imperfections. They spend their time criticizing, to reproaches and admonitions. They do not stop to talk about things that do not go.
By this behavior, they know they will directly remove value to others but they can bring to blame.
To create the feeling of guilt, counterfeiters are required to make negative judgments, with regard also well on the field of values, the law, the affective. To this end, they may possibly play the role of victims of a system or people they call by the same token concerned. To blame the other, they may also begin to sulk. In this sense, these people are thieves humanity by their tendency to alter self-love of their victims.
the rescuer
Sometimes the persecution takes the form of an emergency. The persecutor becomes rescuer, he helps others, the board offers him gifts. not to rescue but to strengthen his addiction. The persecutor is in this register must be convinced, it proposes to come to the aid of everyone - but especially gives his help, gives gifts to be able to later complain about the lack of recognition of the people he rescued -.
Despite all the harm they can do, they feel good that they need others, that is why they want to feel they are loved.
Being weak
They want to feel the positive regard of others which means to know what they think of them. To do this, the seducer through two behaviors. (1) observe the effect it has on others (2) He gets constantly under pressure like I have to always be right, have repartee. He worked continuously to maintain its position and image, which shows that under color of dominant, the forger is the most fragile beings. It is very vulnerable to failure and rejection.
Often these people know passages "swelling of me" and almost depression. The passages blister appear to be attempts to prevent depression from taking hold. It is conceivable that the narcissistic feelings reflect a sense of insecurity or not confessed about his own worth.
In terms of sentiment, repeated attempts to "save themselves from this evil self-love" translates overlooked by other angry reactions as they emit a negative remark against their person where that 'they encounter a situation of failure. The dominant feeling is aggression, hatred, but fear not control everything.
At the same psychological profile exist intro and outgoing, the operation is the same but introverts are not expressed openly or so exceptionally, but with force.
Being biological
The report to the action
They may have to look for favorable situations, ie situations where the chances of success are important. However, if they embark on a risky adventure, they take precautions not to get out in case of failure diminished. What are these precautions. To never have to take responsibility for failure and ensuring the laurels of success.
For them, everything is a failure of others, bad luck, in a conspiracy against him. actually causes beyond him. However, any success is their job done. This attitude requires preparation. Before a situation "risky", you'll hear these people say to anyone who will listen: I did not prepare the exam or I did not feed. implied, that way if I miss I do not question my abilities but only my job, and if I succeed it's really that I'm very strong. This is reinforced by the social value of the Latin countries that promotes success by giving. In contrast, the Anglo-Saxon countries say that the only place where success before work is in the dictionary.
The report feelings
Hate, anger, aggression, pain but also profound joy, feeling of contentment are the daily lot of toxic. They are highly emotional beings.
Origin and true psychology
The attitude of these people from a lack of love and self-confidence they are trying to level an opposing attitude. Deep within themselves, they completely lack confidence. To overcome this lack of insurance, they are trying to prove to themselves and others that they are very confident. Fear of failure, internal feelings of rebellion and treason characterize these people.
What we can say or do with them
These people can create rejection as they seem imbued with themselves, disdainful of others. We often think that attitude comes from a great confidence in itself added to a natural wickedness. If you believe there is nothing you can try the following sentences.
"You know you do not have to please me."
"We have the right not to always be right and have value anyway".
"You have the right to recognize your wrongs without losing face."
"You're organized, perfectionist, orderly, methodical, thoughtful, you can enhance the positive sides and become very well liked because you inspireras confidence."Category 3: fearful
Being thought: the relationship to self
Fearful are people who for various reasons do not like each other but are aware and looking to change. They generally have a fairly good knowledge of them even.
Social being: the relationship to other
Fearful have a great need for approval by others. Their goal is to be appreciated, loved by all and especially not to be dismissed. For this, they are working to not take the risk of:
1contredire. They tend to be forgotten. They want to avoid conflict at all costs, they flee the contradictions in favor of situations without problem.
2SE get noticed and even to issue a personal position. They are characterized by a general attitude of dependence, submission and complacency. They align themselves with the general opinion, are among the people who are said to have no personality.
These people tend to be gullible, to be easily abused. Their bid is pushed to the point of fully let influence by directing others. It is easy to abuse these people to the extent that everyone knows they never dare to deny or contradict.
These people come to relax if they feel accepted, but are steered quickly otherwise ...
The eyes of others is the brake on any initiative fearful, he is the main organizer of the report to others as to action.
Being biological: the relation to the action and feelings
"If I do not take initiative I do not risk failure." This is the dominant timid compared to action feeling. These people are fleeing responsibilities, refuse initiatives. They do not like and are sometimes unable to decide for themselves.
In case of failure their suffering is deep but is unobtrusive when their triumph remains modest.
The emotional flush these people, their mood is very fluid and can move quickly from joy to depression. If we called them "fearful" is that they have a visceral fear of being rejected.
What we can say or do with them
You are tolerant, accommodating and pleasant. These aspects make you a nice person, sociable and easygoing.
Category 4: the resigned
Being thought: the relationship to self
The least we can say is that these people do not like each other. They relate to them always negative. They look a lot but are never good, even experiencing a feeling of hatred towards them. They maintain their "inner critic" that makes them the worst of people. Although they look, they do not know each other and feel close to their actual value by depreciation but also sometimes by overvaluation. And all this, they never think to get out, they are resigned.
Social being: the relationship to other
Their attitude towards the other comes from the light they carry with them. These people have a sense of inferiority, an unpleasant feeling of not being worthy to be important to others. Yet they need the approval of others.
The consequence of this "disgust" of self and the desire to be recognized is withdrawn behavior, conformism pushed. Constantly bent, they have the greatest difficulty to be assertive, to comment, to say no. For fear of rejection, they never take the risk of conflict. This tendency to conformism is growing especially as the person believes that the door is lowered. They are subject to buy the approval of others. On that point, they differ little from the "fearful". They also fear the judgment of others.
They try to use all the same strategies to upgrade; draw attention to recognition of their value. They may, for example, playing the role of victim, then complain and seek to complement a person playing the role of "rescuer." They seek solace from the fact of being complained but can imagine. This allows them to represent their own funeral or that of a loved so that people mourn, the regret, to say "it was a good anyway".
Being biological: the relation to the action and feelings
action against
They have incorporated the fact that they were good for nothing, that they "will never get there." As an action is that during a disaster again, they do not act. They hesitate, dare not choose because choosing it eliminates possible, and eliminating it is safe to say. As a result, they avoid responsibility, challenge choices later.
When they act, the purpose of their behavior is to prevent failure than seek success. They choose extremely simple or too difficult to achieve objectives. They manage to reproduce the already known behavior, avoiding the uncertainty of innovation. Is that they strongly doubt their ability to do the unexpected, to the vagaries of life. Yet they would love to achieve success! But the tribe to pay - conflict, competition - is too heavy, too unsettling.
It is that failure is attributable to them personally so that success is the fact of destiny.
report feelings
Despair, weariness, abandonment, pessimism, defeatism, are the daily lot of the resigned. Pain accompanies them. The predominance of negative feelings is felt in relation to the future. They anticipate misfortune; live in fear. Even the good times are suspect. They do not allow themselves to enjoy the pleasures of life knowing that they will end. They prohibit the happiness of the moment not feeling too unhappy then. This heightened anxiety is also found among forgers and fearful. Fear is also leading the life of most human beings.
What we can say or do with them
Use methods that we train with exercises and role plays to assert and defend their point of view calmly.
Despite their simplistic nature, the four categories are actually casts behavior. Some are fearful of other counterfeiters. One can also wonder why! What did we have become forgers, fearful or resigned?What determines the love that you will feel
The three categories in question is common not to love. Why is this so?
The attitudes of the entourage and especially parents
The failure to promote, strengthen, reassure affect children. More generally, the lack of affection, sharing. In response the child will tend to contain and / or use various strategies to attract attention, to make, to be worthy of their interest.
The fact devalue the child by direct criticism or more subtly by handling irony, sarcastic comments on them but on others. Indeed, in the latter case, the child internalizes it is desirable to be consistent with the desire of others.
Being overprotective, being possessive, always say "do this, go there." often associated with critical "you never do anything for yourself."
For people who become toxic, the fact of interest to the child based on his skills alone. But also the fact overstate, too value the child.
Beyond singles certain life circumstances can mark us.
events
Having lived through events that caused a feeling of lack of control over the environment (death, depressive state of a parent, disputes between parents.) Generates anxiety with which we must succeed in life.
We are steeped in our environment that is other and events. Causing emotions, this relationship outside the body we reacted. We took habits, developed strategies in response to what we have experienced. These habits we have been driven by a need: to stay alive, do not succumb to evil being; and why it was necessary we protect ourselves.
With lying, protect
All Defence Attitudes are explained by the fact that (1) to love us we need the approval of others (2) we do not want to live in pain and discomfort.
Very briefly we give some attitudes designed to achieve these goals.
seduce his interlocutors
Seduction meets the need to feel that others love us. The consideration is highly sensitive to criticism. The second "limit" of seduction is that it reassures only when it is superficial. Indeed, when it comes to fully commit himself there is the risk of show as it really is and therefore disappointing.
In the realm of seduction and desire is to make the possession is not the latest strategies
have the people and things
Possession of beings and things meets several needs:
We make sure we hear from each other what we want to hear. We find the desire to be loved, adored, recognized.
We show that we are able to operate effectively; to control everything around us. Is not demonstrate effective action to exercise power over others?
We can be the envy and admiration of the other; not only the person but also possessed of all the people who can see how it was a nice car, a new and flamboyant jacket .. We operate the pleasure of being loved for what one has done more for what one is. And then, what distinguishes us allows us to strengthen the love that you will feel.
Even if we would still be uncomfortable, even if the others have not given us what we asked of them, we have a few exit doors to protect us.
Let us remember that we saw in the chapter on behavior. Faced with a stressor, we have three options: do nothing - which causes unhappiness - flee and fight. The first behavior is not very useful, we still have the other two.
leak that is unpleasant
The leak may take the form of defense mechanisms designed to avoid having to take what can be unpleasant. A range of these mechanisms exist which include: avoidance, withdrawal, denial (refusal to admit), the normalization (not serious) projection (attribute their own negative feelings and difficulties with other ), fantasies and daydreams (imagine his success instead of build), rationalization (but recognize attributed to external causes); compensation (escape a feeling of inferiority by investing in other areas) perfectionism (not good enough), hyper environmental control (everything is ordered, flawless. as if control cared anxieties).
fight
Aggression against other aims to suppress the actual or potential harm they may cause us. This aggression can take physical forms but also result in psychological attitudes tending to devalue these people create problems for them.
We must realize that by employing these strategies, we sacrifice our own evolution, our liberty in favor of immediate comfort relative.
So if we decide to continue to change, which can help us below.
5 Changing and learn to love: to create oneself endlessly (Bergson)
We have already mentioned that to change should increase the love that you will feel and sense of effectiveness of our actions. This does not happen spontaneously.
3.5.1 The key change
We have summarized the stages of change in the following table taken from Andrew and Lelord.
domains
key
The SWB
Relation to self
- Knowing
- To accept and be honest with ourselves
Being social
The comparison with other
- Asserting
- Be empathetic
- Rely on social support
Being biological
The report to the action
- Acting
- Think positive
- Accept failure
1SE know: Be aware of your capabilities and limitations. Getting to know you can make a listing with the contrary: I like / I do not, I know / I do not know, my failures / my successes, my fault / my qualities.
2S'accepter: assume and change. Whatever we did, whatever the disgrace that we have had to endure, we have the right to change, without guilt, without shame or remorse. The future we can build and even more so that the mere fact of knowing and admitting that you are, tensions wiped well and opened many horizons. This requires to be honest with you. We have seen that it is sometimes useful to lie to protect in the short term the love that you will feel. We met many behaviors - such as denial - for this purpose. Denial of his emotions, his willingness to fully commit to a project.
3S'affirmer: express what we think, what we want, what we feel while respecting what the other thinks. Being assertive requires to respect enough to give rights against others. Or give rights means taking the risk disturb or offend the other person. The disabled who undergoes aggressive favoring their needs and perspectives of others but neglects to conflict or threat: when one can assert other relational behavior is used.
4Etre empathy: Empathy is the ability to listen and feel the views of others, to seek to understand and respect it, even if it is not totally agree with them. "I understand what you mean, but I do not necessarily think like you." This behavior is to be close and loved by others, to assert more readily because we listen to our views if we have been able to listen.
5S'appuyer on social support: esteem (you're a good person), emotional support (we are by your side, we love you), hardware support and skills support (we'll help you) . For this support to be effective, it is desirable that it be diverse and often activated.
6Agir: To change it is essential to act. This is a real change in behavior it all starts. It is useless to change only in his head.Any decision to change must result in action in one minute: pick up the phone, make a courrier.Ce that does not does not exist!
Life offers us a host of even modest goals that when achieved, allows us to have an improvement of the love that you will feel. Whether to take action in a small area is not avoidance, it can serve as a warm-up to put us in a more demanding job.
Positive 7Penser: Thinking positive is first to silence criticism that we give ourselves. Soothe that little voice that says it's not good enough - what good it will never work, it sucks, it's not enough - limit this tendency to act and judge at the same time. By doing so, we get nowhere. It is important to ask whether our thoughts are:
in relation to reality (ask the opinion of others)
Useful: Does it help me to feel better, cope with the present situation and future situations? Being positive is also transform complaints into goals: I'm tired I'd become.
8Accepter failure: It's not fail to be accepted but the idea of failure. Failure is a piece of the victory as the error is a piece of the truth. Some tips to get there:
ales things are always gray and never completely black or white. Eliminate simplistic oppositions
bBehaviour successful people have usually begun by fail
ctirer lessons: failure teaches us about us, it is not proof of disability.
These attitudes may be forgotten if they are not read, re-memory every day. It's not all learn and all wanting to apply a block. The process of change through small realistic steps repeated, progressively integrated. It assumes to always return to its own responsibilities by recognizing what's wrong but mainly by cultivating what's right, what has already been done; allowing himself to be proud of themselves, by thanking every step traveled. The important thing is to make yet another step (Saint Exupery). The following chapter will help you to articulate the way: your change project.
3.5.2 A contract for changeIf the analysis is seen as a tool of change and behavioral improvement, it brings the individual to contract, to be defined in writing an objective it has set. The contract is the determination that a person takes to achieve such goal one way or another.
The stages of the contract are:
1Quelle is my current situation? Stock of our current situation, professional, non-professional, that I have already succeeded. This is the conclusion of what will and what will not, depending on where we live (work, family.)
2What what I want to change? The list of what we'd like to change, why and how.
3What are the obstacles that prevent me or might prevent me from doing so (due to obstacles caused by my environment and myself).
4The implementation following methods, tips to help us. For example prioritize. "Today, I'm not criticizing anyone."
5L'établissement a period of objectives with a control means (date objectives, namely to identify the successes and failures)
The contract encourages a sense of responsibility in relation to the aim pursued. He asked to speak in terms of success or failure, and as such is a major mobilizing energy to go after decisions. And it is a great way to self-knowledge, knowing that the simple act of writing, to formulate what you want helps clarify what we are.
NB: Many people fail to achieve measurable, dated. So these people have the impression of flying from failure to failure, contract failure in contract failed. Until the day they realize that no ants included each -the hours spent trying not to criticize for example-these moments undertaken then arrested, left footprints in their bodies. Turning a letter left years earlier, these people are becoming aware of the progress. They highlight that slowly changed into them, and they realize that progressing in the dark they had access to light. All this because in spite of what they thought were failures, they have started small "not much."
3.5.3 The attitude of those around
It follows from the foregoing. We say love a person is doing through the efficiency of its actions and the look that others see it. Therefore, the purpose of the environment is to go in this direction by allowing and even sparking action while reassuring.
Here are some phrases to say, some attitudes that can take to address the different types of people to achieve these ends.
reassure
You do not need to attract attention to yourself by stratagems to we love you.
Listen, encourage them to express opinions without judging. Establish a good balance between security (show the person we love) and "values" (there are rules).
Unconditional support for the honest person that has some value and cons to everything. Be careful, however, not to admire too.
Push for action
Ask his opinion and consider
Entrust tasks to do, a little money to manage when it comes to a child.
All of the above requires a personal investment, individual approach based on the help of others. The goal is to allow everyone to find the confidence and self-determination. If one refers to the notion of suffering, the goal of this approach is to avoid it at all costs but to meet, talk to him to better overcome. Compared to the fun, the goal is to move from the emotion of the moment, the happiness of life.
3.6 Learning happiness
Whether psychologists, workers, peasants, where Buddhist monks, many agree on an inking point view, the real movement of life is happiness.
In what follows, we draw on Buddhist thought and specifically on the book that have committed the American psychologist Howard Curtler and the 14th Dalai Lama - Art of Happiness - to give you the attitudes to access this state of well-being.
Like everything that has gone before, this paper is based on a conviction. It is possible - whatever our past and our present - to achieve happiness through the exercise of the mind, by the activation of our third brain.
We have already mentioned that our frontal lobes (3rd brain) are able to regulate our emotional functioning. They can inhibit the pain and make the most lasting pleasure. This ability requires a single mechanism: assigning a value, a meaning to emotions. Regardless of what is perceived, our third brain is able to assign a positive or negative value to events. A suffering, he can say: "You are positive for me because."; an unpleasant person, he has the ability to say "because you enrich me.". What we commonly call "the mood" determines happiness much more than external events. Of course it is unavoidable pain. But it's more the perception we have of an event that the situation itself that determines our well-being. The mindset is the key to happiness. To do this, it relies on values. It is these values and thinking that we will get support now.
3.6.1 A hierarchy
Reflection begins with a hierarchy of values and actions that depend on it. What gives meaning to our lives? Respond by ordering our priorities. Are we born with the aim of harming others, create their problems? Are we on earth rather to attend to the basic qualities of humanity?
This ability to isolate the most basic elements of our existence brings great freedom and a landmark deal with problems.
Assistance to rank values and actions is extended in time and space. Is it temporary or permanent? Is it local or global? This desire he satisfied an immediate need or want a more distant? He creates the good of one person or more?
Allowing for the immediate and sustainable, local and extended, we help to identify and isolate the factors that ultimately lead to happiness and those that lead to suffering.
What, for us, causes annoyance or grief? Buddhists have pondered this question. For them, suffering is rooted in the "three poisons of the mind": ignorance, desire and aversion unchecked. The idea of ignorance has ambiguous connotations. It assumes, in fact, refer to a truth. As also the fact that we may deceive us is not of much help in the pursuit of happiness rather see attitudes to eliminate the still unsatisfied desire and aversion.
3.6.2 Remove the desire
Start with a question. What determines our perception of a situation? Our tendency to compare ourselves strongly influences. Our satisfaction depends on the benchmark adopted. We usually look for the brightest, most beautiful. Although for some this attitude is an engine for most of us, it necessarily cause envy, frustration and grief. What do you do?
We turn to the poor, the less fortunate. Recognize that there is on earth, more than three quarters of humanity lives on less than 10 francs per day. Think we're lucky to be who we are. By observing the world with these new glasses all resumes its proper perspective. We realize that ultimately our immense problems are on the order of "toothache". We learn to take us and make our problems much less seriously.
Always see what is believed to be the top of the basket leads to wanting to be like them: it is lust. The main motivation of lust is the gratification. But even if the desired object is obtained, the lust, it is always present. Worse, it is strengthened. Endless process!
And we will always find someone superior to us, either in one area or another. Lust then leads to frustration, to admit that we will never be like those we admire. So instead of looking at what there is enviable in the other, already accept that there are beautiful in us.
The remedies to the frantic desire to impose themselves:
Remedy 1: contentment, is to enjoy every moment that you have.
Remedy 2: to consider: the only way forward in life, is to consider its strengths, to see what we are still capable of is to have a sense of self-worth.
Remedy 3: not compare or change comparisons. Who is "superior"? The one that crushes all who come in his way to achieve power or the person who all his life worked and respected his fellow man? The order value is determined by a company. Some of its representatives give the rankings. This is richer, more powerful, stronger than another. This is in normal, it does not! But what is to be in normal? The general behavior of a society is it still normal?
Henri Laborit will quickly respond. Normality is conformism is the mean, the man who is perfectly normal compared to others, then it is not at all over himself. Since it is normal to the other, we say it is not crazy; but he will develop hypertension, stomach ulcer ... Normality is to stand in relation to itself and not in relation to others. Schumann, Van Gogh were not normal. What is it better be, Schumann, Van Gogh, or others? We may think that the only purpose of the social hierarchy is the preservation of the said society. Perhaps the power and money are they not the most respectable "values"! Such a classification based on two or three values added to some ethical standards, aesthetic and behavioral reduces the wealth of the world a few attributes, those who promote precisely the desire and lust. Forget what shackles and replace yourself in the hierarchy you just created. Is in that order values possession is above the gift? Is Eros - love takes - is better off than agape - love giving -
If you want to compare, then expand the view of the variety, place yourself in the rich world. You will find that you are just as strong. Search! Do not see! Looking good! Perhaps you're more timid, much more sensitive to see much more fragile than all those around you!
Whether the goal is to recognize our own value, reduce the hatred we feel towards a person, not to be a prisoner of lust, deploy the look of diversity, varying viewpoints helps us greatly.
After all that, if you continue to forget the majority of the inhabitants of the planet, if you continue to be impressed and tempted by power and money, remember - no matter who is in front of you - that "the highest throne in the world, (we)'re sitting on our ass "(Montaigne).
3.6.3 Remove aversion: learn to love
In the chapter on behavior, we reported that we are dependent on others - that is responsible for them -. Here we would like to add a few words about this.Whether in our physical or emotional life, we eat bread and affection of others. If the bread comes in exchange for a coin, the condition of the other is in response to ours. It is through this process of return that love, affection, compassion, caring for others, bring us happiness. Therefore, to be happy, we must be attentive, open; we need to reach out, take the first step toward the other without waiting for him to come to us. Remember what was said Henri Laborit about it: one selfish act is perhaps to love each other. This dependence is another beautifully transcribed by the Latin phrase: alter ego; the other me.
Our dependence on others is supported by numerous studies. Many psychoanalysts (Howald Curtler quotes Erich Fromm among others) believe that the threat of being separated from the others is the most fundamental fear of humanity. For them, the experience of separation, as first encountered in childhood, is the source of all anxiety. This analysis fits well with the observation that a way of selfless life is essential to good mental health (George Vaillant). Conversely, people in need of social relationships are often in poor health, sadder and more vulnerable to stress. For example, most people focus on themselves, those who, during a conversation repeated most often the pronouns "I", "me", "my" are the most likely to report heart disease.
The relationship we have to each other may be relatively superficiel.Il can be built around a trivial topic - the weather, the results of a football game. -.Il May also be more profond.Howald Curtler zoologist Desmond Morris cites for that relative to each other is all the more important that it is strong and intime.Cette person meant by the emergence of an intimate feeling proximity that incorporates a sense of sharing and communication.Pour Desmond Morris, the key driver of intimacy is the contact physique.Le touch is the vehicle for him solace mutuel.Ce researcher even think any further contact with items such as cigarettes, objects, act as substitutes for intimacy.
If we go back to what we said happiness, we note that the analysis that we do, that the attitudes we propose, based more on thinking recognizing the fundamental rights of another as our own goodness, in a initially, at least. Because gradually the true pillars of trade and proximity ie affection, respect and dignity, will rise in us. After coming can be love.
That said, let's attitudes to cause the affinity to another.
attempt to collect the best of each.
not imagine or think about the fact that he can say or speaking ill of us.
remember that we need him; we depend on others therefore it
see what brings us closer to him. All have a body, mind and emotions. All were born and all die. All want to eat well, sleep well, be loved. All cherish the desire to be happy and overcome our suffering. All have the right to realize this aspiration community.
awareness in terms of desires, joys and sufferings of others. This crucial aspect, asked to put themselves in the place of another. This is a technique that involves accepting to temporarily give up his own point of view to adopt the other's. This requires trying to understand the psychology and past ones.
Realizing the importance of being open to others, we must find the strength to start. Often we are afraid of not being up to it, for fear of provoking the judgment of our interlocutor. Again, a state of mind can help us.
Honesty! What is the purpose of your way to the other? Assert your knowledge, the importance of your person? In this case, the caller can not recognize your value. You want to impress, dominate but it is he who has power over you. Voluntarily seeking the approval of the other you are exposed constantly to frustration and disappointment as soon as reality intrudes in the form of a murder sentence. In wishing that you love, against all odds, you punish yourself.
If, conversely, your goal is to share, learn your partner, then you have nothing to fear. At worst, he will refuse the exchange. You will not have lost anything. You'll even won attempting an act that is important to you.
Sincere motivation is the antidote to reduce fear and anxiety. And even though in your swing you experience failure, is that the challenge was too hard. "For my part I will do better, if I can not do this is that the situation was too difficult for me" (The Dalai Lama). The Stoics were acting in the same way, remember: "In what depends on you, do your best," for the rest do not pay attention. The simple act of taking a step back to simply ensure that you are truly motivated enough to decrease anxiety. "Motivation sincere antidote to anxiety." The more you are honest, you will be more open, less you will be afraid, because you will no longer experience any anxiety about being exposed or revealed to others. Having nothing to hide and show, you will not protect you; you will not be afraid. The more you are honest, you will have more confidence in you. The lack of confidence comes from the consciousness of being able to do something without being sure of achieving this. People who have a realistic view of themselves tend to be more loving, to be more confident than those who are unfamiliar or false (Howald Curtler).
After creating the affinity to each other, we be open to him, let us not cut us.
3.6.4 Maintain the link
The first time, when we risk a break with the other is when a direct conflict breaks out. In case of problems, usually the brain tends to look to the past to understand. That knowledge of the past, he deduces proper attitude for the future. In the case of conflict between individuals, research responsibilities dessert lifting the problem more than it contributes to serve. It causes aggression and the establishment of mechanisms for defense from the accused persons. If you want to move more, look for solutions instead of finding responsibilities!
Second ground breaking, learning that the other said bad about you - or believe that the other thinks ill of you. Our biological reaction to the offending agent is the struggle and all the paraphernalia that accompanies stress, hatred, aggression. If in ancient times, such a reaction is warranted to ensure the survival, in Western societies, it is not survival it is. Yet if we are not going to the suppression of hostile person, we seek to remove the "nuisance". We say that the only response to his attitude is hate. In doing so we dig our own grave.
Much more than the person who perhaps wants to harm us, we hate it actually. She's our worst enemy, better than anyone, it takes us all day long, follows us everywhere, anytime and anywhere. Whatever the problem, the hatred that accompanies aversion always goes against us.
In seeking to fight against each other, we make three times evil.
Once because aggression is not acted causes discomfort. We are in what we called the inhibition of the action.
Again because, for our hatred, we give value to the process that they say our enemy. It is, in effect, wanting to hurt that gives the actions of our "enemies" uniqueness.
A third time because of hatred and rejection, we cut to someone who could tell us to ourselves. Our enemies we offer the opportunity to get to know us and we would like to respond to. They teach us including tolerance. Treat them with respect, acknowledge the value of the test they are throwing the challenge they will be facing.
The last time we risk cutting a person is, paradoxically, when we are not with her.
When we talk with people about any exchange of a common can bring us closer to each other. Now we are looking for, we need this communion. Among these shared items, there may be a third party. As long as we have some gripes against that person, relief roundly say this can be a problem for us, together with the community of interest that this criticism may result in the group can get very quickly to a sustained critique of this third party. But now, by doing that, we cut it. Thereafter we will not be able to avoiding that person or lie to her. If we lie - that is stating the obvious - we are not honest. We then enter the mechanism endlessly before us makes us echo: malaise, protection mechanisms, fear, aggression. If we want to remain at peace with us, never say bad things about someone who is not there.
We finished aversion and desire. However, we would - before moving on to the next chapter - add fear to the list of antidotes to happiness.
3.6.5 Live and fear
We saw in the chapter on biological being (be biological) that fear is the expression of our ability to know that tomorrow will be added to our biological propensity to keep us alive. Every situation is seen as harmful apprehended experienced as stressful in advance. The lack of information about the future, the fact of knowing nothing is also a source of fear to the extent that it does not allow us to anticipate an effective response. A moment of our lives brings together both the damage to the integrity of the person and the total absence of evidence to anticipate and deal with them; Right now, it is our death. Death is the basic fear of every human being. All faiths, all myths also offer a response to this suffering. Anyone who is aware of the fragility of his position without accepting it can live happy. So how do we accept the unacceptable?
Thinkers who have tried to answer this question first stigmatized fear of death. They recalled that the fear of death does not make sense for several reasons. The first is that being afraid does not prevent him from dying. The second is that we can not fear what does not make us wrong. But death is precisely the lack of sensation, so wrong.
They then observed that death is necessary for life. Moreover, it is a moment of life. Death belongs to life, do not accept it is to refuse life. "Everything goes back to some idea of death" - says Chateaubriand in Travel America - "because this idea is at the bottom of life." Therefore, one who loves life, loves death.
Yet the above is by no means reassuring in itself. According to some authors, to overcome fear, we must make death, our neighbor. Listen to the young Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart talk about his relationship with death. "Like death (literally) is the true purpose of our existence, this authentic and best friend of man has become so familiar in recent years that his image is not only no longer terrifying, but Rather, calms me and console me and I thank God for giving me happiness, for allowing me to know that death was the key to true happiness. I never go to bed without thinking (as young as I am ) that I have being perhaps the next day. (quoted by C.Brand-Hetzel). Making our neighbor dead is to represent, is offer choices of our existence in its glow. So as we make our suffering Advisor, we can make death our ally. At his look, the hierarchy of values which we reported above stands for itself. thought of death enough to order our thoughts if only we are willing to ask Verlaine: "And really, when death comes, what is left?
And even if we fail to tame, to close to us, at least try it "find me planting my cabbages, but careless of her, and more of my imperfect garden" (Montaigne).
Overcome our fears of death, the unknown and the other takes time and perseverance, a desire of every moment. Consider one sense, an approach beyond suffering is often beyond our strength. Whatever the change we envision, we must give us time. Live change as a slow learning itself. A learning which requires replacement of biological patterns selected by habits consciousness. A transformation that goes through essential steps.
1apprendre to Know Us
2We set goals
3 We constantly remind the aims and preferred attitudes.
Progress towards the goal, we must remind ourselves a thousand times the importance of respect, sharing, link to others. Every morning we will awaken that little voice that says "I will live this day according to the precepts I have learned." Every night we have to rekindle the little voice that asks, "Have I lived this day as I wanted to live it?" If the answer is yes, we will rejoice, if the answer is no, we will divide and criticize. With these attitudes, we will combine acts; try -also often as possible-not to the other. "The creation of self" requires effort endlessly repeated. It goes through a slow progression interspersed with phases of regression. During these times, you should know not to ask for much better start later.
Is the game worth the candle? Each of us will decide. The need, the sense of urgency, we may give the initial impetus. Thereafter, the meaning we find in our new life will guide us. Little by little we recognize that suffering is part of our lives, that we take the scope of the suffering to make our confidante, we are starting to see the strength that stems from the desire that makes sense and a project is built, then the approach we are talking about will disappear for no longer exist by itself. It will become us.
If, after having seen the possibilities of our lives, we decided to slowly change us, or pursue a change already made in addition to the above techniques can support us. In the next chapter, we deliver the methods usually employed when it comes to getting to know, to accept and change. By these methods we will walk the path that leads to calm, insurance and serenity (be quiet).
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